Blog 035 Rejection

By Mana Williams.  15-20 Minutes

It’s something we don’t usually like to think we have any problems with. But the truth is, so many people like myself struggle with the gunk-on-the-shoe that is rejection. In tonight’s wee chat I would like to evaluate my battle with rejection and offer up some tangible ways of resolving the problem at a basic level in the hopes that hopefully one person can get something out of it.

So where’s my analogy?

It’s more than just gunk on a shoe. It follows you around every which way until it’s physically pried off with a fork and some elbow grease. Rejection is a problem so many people actively choose to ignore rather than deal with and I totally understand where they’re coming from! It’s painfully hard to admit that you have rejection issues. But looking into the core outlines of why it is that way or digging through the muck to find some leeway is really powerful. So like gunk on your shoe, it can become stuck but it can also become unstuck if you’re willing to spend enough time applying some effort looking into why it is that way.

It’s easy to get frustrated.

Looking back at some history it’s clear to me that when I felt left out of a given situation or didn’t feel empowered by my daily interactions with people it was easy for me to escalate things far beyond where they needed to be. As a coping mechanism, it was easier for me to simply blame others for their shortcomings without taking ownership for my problems because I was frustrated by everything. If we are particular about it, I really struggled with the concept of lust. Not love, It’s not possible at that age that this little brown boy was able to sense anything passed banter within the graphics class.

At a deeper level, certain traumatic situations that happen when we are kids are kind of like booby traps. They trip us up in our development and stunt the growth we deserve. Without functioning evenly we are so consumed by the realization that we need to feel the love our parents can provide. Usually from someone external like a girlfriend or a partner. This was a huge challenge for me in many ways, but it also helped me become the strong headed individual I am today. Having battled with some new information recently that when I was a kid and was taken away from my parents and placed into the custody of Child Youth and Family. Never before had I ever believed that this had ever defined the person I have become, until today… Some kids lose their parents at a young age, others lose their parents at an older age, and some lucky kids don’t lose their parents at all. With these little incremental situations happening even at an age before remembrance it was clear to my step-mum that the rejection concerns would later develop into bigger more widespread issues. It’s not clear to me if she really knew how much or how true it really was…

How bad could it possibly be?

Without getting into specific contextual memories, my experience with rejection is very reactive. The need to always be first, or the constant issue with staying still to have time to think about my feelings or prioritize in an intelligent or logical way. A couple of the feelings that I tended to use when faced with rejection was usually anxiety or depression. These two corrosive inhabitants generally dislike optimism so it’s not hard to feel negative in social situations when battling with this sort of stuff. Whether it’s at church helping on the barbecue, or in a flat party with your ex-girlfriend nearby. Forgetting something in a supermarket line then trying the shit house shuffle technique to ninja your way back to the produce department without other customers noticing, or when you’re meeting with a minister to inform her that she isn’t doing a good enough job. Even if you are in some sort of power role in a martial arts club and need to teach students how to respect people with words instead of fighting them with feet and fists. Almost every situation is affected by how we are feeling. Rejection compromises our mindset and therefore affects us and our way of treating others, but more importantly, how we treat ourselves. It’s not simply the case of applying a band aid to the problem and hoping it goes away. It takes consistent effort that is never fun and is always challenging.

So what’s some solid advice?

Who doesn’t like to see something through till the end? It’s basic human qualities. Once you recognize that you have a real problem with rejection, you know there are truths within various moments that caused you to feel that way. Once you have the capacity to take on your brain in the biggest battle of your life, then every day is a battlefield you need to be ruthless in.

Just kidding…

It’s not hard at all. The answer is simply to love yourself and value yourself more than you value the opposing acceptance of your peers then you won’t feel rejected. Your second port of call is to actively engage and reverse engineer how you feel about a certain situation and managing those emotions in a way that makes you understand that everything is going to be okay. The third reinforcement is to seek the support of others, not in an externally lustful relationship kind of way, but more in a loving and supportive way of those around you to boost you back up to the front lines of the great fight against yourself and your old way of dealing with things.

Hopefully through this way of thinking you might experience a personality shift. Give it some salt, it deserves it because the problems we hide cause others grief and that matters…

I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty pumped to evaluate on this issue.It’s definitely a concern of mine that shares so much valuable light onto my strengths and weaknesses. I’m super fortunate to have the support that I’ve grown up with and I really value their time and energy. I’m also hugely grateful to you guys for reading my blogs, it’s hugely important to myself that you guys are here, so thanks, and as always…

Thanks for checking in…

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