Today I want to talk about something really interesting. Something that will undoubtedly get me into some degree of trouble and likely some degree of grief. Sex before marriage. The concept isn’t a religiously favourable one. At an emotional level, it is seen as one of the deepest forms of trust and solidarities a person can offer. The emotional connection, the spiritual exposure. Sex is a way of letting somebody passed your walls and into a space of trust and expectation. It hinders your ability to be a rational person. But is it as important as the religious authority would have you believe?
Today I want to talk about this because sex before commitment is something I think that everybody should experience. To be able to protect themselves from making mistakes, to have the wisdom to be able to grow and know their limits. To experience and have an informed opinion about so that they can define the distinction between sex and love. To be able to know what love looks like and how it differs from the lustfulness of a child without boundaries. That when the most formal commitment in life arises, marriage, that the person would be well-informed enough to know when the other person actually cares about them, to know when the other person respects them enough to treat them properly. To have that connection and to know the needs of the other. That if it doesn’t mean enough they will be able to make the informed decision to care bout themselves more than the needs and physical lusts of the other.
At the end of the day, how can we possibly know the answer to a question if we haven’t experienced it yet? We have to go out, make mistakes, get hurt, and learn from those experiences to understand what sex actually does to us. An expression I could use is that it is almost like trying a spicy food for the first time. There is so much division in the world and it is sad that we can’t come to terms that some people need to experience these things to learn and mature from them. Vital learning kerbs all avoided because of bubble wrapped social ideologies.
From my experience, growing up with the expectations that most people my age when I was sixteen were already getting it on. It is unavoidable, the pressure that others would create when they would ask questions like, “have you done it yet?” The over sexualisation of kids on social media at the time was already drastically worse than the generation that came before us, the first millennials.
Heading into high school knowing sure well that statistically more than 30% of year tens openly admitted to having had sex. More than 50% in year eleven, and more than 70% in year twelve, admitting to having had sex. The majority of the boys would have been towards the contrary, having being allowed the right of passage when it came to socially accepting sex as being something cool and something only the popular were doing. It was cool. But come to think of it, I know that most of those kids were probably talking shit. It made no sense for most of these kids to having had sex in the past. Not to any capacity, it seemed unlikely. For some, it was a right of way but for others it seemed like a bargaining chip that was used just to increase a person’s social status so for me to say that I was confident that most people were shagging at a young age, those of you who are highly anti can rest assured that this definitely wasn’t the case.
But what does it matter? How do the decisions of others affect your way of living? Let’s fast forward to the life of a 19-year-old student living in a student accommodation block surrounded by beautiful people, all of whom are completely allowed by law to do with their bodies however they please. At this age, it is even more acceptable to do with your body as you please. So acceptable that it’s almost unacceptable not to have. The reason I bring this up is because most forms of religious marriages don’t occur before 20, and if they do then it’s honestly just an excuse for the latter or a difference of opinion.
It’s a huge mistake to think that religion or Christianity is an excuse to treat others like they are not in control of their own body, or even their own wairua, spirit. I can understand from a mother or father’s perspective. Their little boy, their little girl, their child having practicing sex with another person. The natural inclination to prevent and protect. To only have accepted the idea of sexual interaction far beyond the point of marriage. To accept the idea only when it becomes socially normal. Such an unrealistic expectation to have, especially when so many people are doing it all the time.
But the point is beyond the views of a parent or the views of a 19-year-old student. The point is that there are so many people trying to control the way people should go about using their own body. I think that people should be allowed the opportunity of experience. I think they should be given the right to do whatever they want to do regardless of its consequences. But particularly the idea of having sex. The experience is arguably an important one because it teaches people to know what the difference is between loving somebody and being manipulated for sex. That the answer is kind of backwards trying to figure out who a person might be and what spiritual needs that they hold.
Learning about what love is for me is really a vital stage in figuring out who I am as a person but also appreciating other people’s relationships and how amazing they are as examples of how to manage when everything turns to custard. But also learning to appreciate the love that your parents have for you. To learn to appreciate how incredible the love for you must have been when you were born. To be able to learn from the most barbaric means and to grow and adapt as a person who understands what it means to love and to be loved is actually pretty awesome.